Friday, November 21, 2014

I am thankful for the beautiful, burdensome, blessing of adoption. Read and share?

Today, I share


"10 Frequently Asked Questions About Our Open Adoption"

In 2002, when our son Houston was nine months old, my husband Jeff and I began trying to conceive a second child. After an arduous journey through failed infertility treatments and the domestic adoption process, we welcomed our son Scotty in May 2010. Jeff and I spent a total of eight years thinking, journaling, daydreaming, and asking questions. Now that our mystery is solved, we find ourselves answering questions. We’re in a unique position; we can compare Jeff’s 1963 closed adoption to Scotty’s 2010 “wide” open adoption. Many of today’s birthparents seek some form of open adoption. Many adoptive parents do too. So you may have questions.  These are the most frequently asked questions we hear regarding our relationship with our younger son’s birth parents, Kerri and Bryant. I hope they comfort and help you.

1.  What exactly is an “open” adoption? Open adoption means that there is some level of direct communication between the birth family and the child and his/her adoptive family. In other words, instead of sending communication through a third party (attorney, social worker, agency), you text, call, email, correspond, etc. directly with one another. The frequency and type of contact is determined by your and the birth parents’ comfort level. Jeff and I like to text pictures and funny things that Scotty does to Kerri and Bryant. We’ve met Bryant only once because he lives five hundred miles away. But Kerri lives only ten minutes away. So we see her four or five times a year. We usually go to her grandparents’ house so her extended family can enjoy Scotty, too.

2.  Can Kerri or Bryant ever come back and get him? No. Never. More importantly, they wouldn’t try. They love Scotty and respect Jeff and me as his parents and Houston as his brother. They chose us to be his family. Also, once the adoption was finalized in court, Scotty got a new birth certificate listing Jeff and me as his legal parents. The judge said, “He is as legally yours as he would be if you had given birth to him.”

3.  Does Scotty know who they are? What does he call them?Scotty is three-and-a-half years old as I write this. A few days ago, I asked him “Where were you born?” He said, “At the doctor’s.” I asked, “Where did you grow before you were born?” He said, “In Kerri’s tummy.” I asked, “Where did Houston grow?” He answered, “In your tummy.” Then, unprompted, he said, “Mama loves me and Kerri loves me.”

4.  Is it hard for Kerri to see him? I asked her this same question. She said that it is emotional but actually makes her feel really good about the decision she made to place him with us. She said she loves seeing him happy, growing, and learning. Instead of regret, she finds validation.

5.  Is it tough on you to visit with them? Yes, mostly because I dreamed eight years for a baby and cannot comprehend the sacrifices they’ve all made to make my dream come true. Plus, I always want my sweet toddler and my pre-teen son to behave and engage Scotty’s birth family with kindness and affection. My anxiety is based on my own emotional stress. Scotty’s birth family has always been very sweet to us. The experience, for me, is tiring but rewarding. And I’m always in awe of how much love they show toward both my children.

6.  When do you think Kerri will move on with her life?  Our open adoption relationship actually helps Kerri “move on” with her life. When I share Scotty news and pictures with her, she laughs and compliments him and me and brags about his genetics. She is an extremely well-adjusted birth mother (much thanks to counseling from our agency pre- and post-placement). Kerri is 25 and doing well.

7.  How long will you keep talking to them?  Kerri made me a mother again and made my son a brother. I will talk to her for the rest of our lives. She is my friend and she is Scotty’s birthmother.

8.  Won’t the relationship be confusing for Scotty?  Open adoption helps alleviate mystery and confusion for birth parents and adoptees. Scotty will know his birth family, genetic roots, the circumstances of his conception and birth, and, most importantly, that he is loved by those who created him and those who parent him. The truth is not confusing. The truth is liberating.

9.  What about when he’s a teenager? Do you think he’ll ever want to go live with Kerri or Bryant? No. In every essence of our beings, Jeff and I are his parents. In every essence of Scotty’s being and life experience, he will know he’s our son. Nature and nurture do not compete. They complement. Kerri, Bryan, Jeff, and I have the same goal: for Scotty to be mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually sound and happy.

10.  Do you wish you had a closed adoption? Honestly, sometimes I do envy my friends who simply “got their babies” and have no entanglements with the birth families of their children. Perhaps a closed adoption would be easier for me. But adoption isn’t just about me. It’s about everyone involved. Every time I speak to Scotty’s birth family, I am in awe of their strength, compassion, sacrifice, and love. I sincerely love Kerri and Bryant. Open adoption has taught me more about faith and love than any experience in my life. Plus, in my heart, I think open adoption suits our families’ personalities (adoptive and birth) and that, in the end, Scotty will benefit most of all. He will never question, never doubt that he was and is loved by his birth family. And, if he ever does, all he has to do is ask them.


Do you see the baby in the clouds? An ethereal ultrasound?


Several authors and I reduced our books' prices to $0.99 on Kindle for the entire month of November. As a sign of support and understanding, share this list with (or buy these books for) relatives and friends touched in some way by infertility, crisis pregnancy, or adoption. Readers who don't have Kindle devices can download the free Kindle app from the books' Amazon.com pages. 
The books' topics range from infertility to domestic to international to foster adoption. 

CLICK the covers to learn more.




                





  






Happy Friday!



Friday, November 14, 2014

Happy National Adoption Awareness Month! Share with someone you love.

Readers, November is National Adoption Awareness Month. In honor of this special recognition and all the families affected by infertility, adoption, and crisis pregnancy, I will post a relevant article in my blog each week.

Today, I share "Open Adoption: What it is not. What it is." I wrote this article for fellow adoption author Gayle Swift's blog. Gayle and her daughter wrote ABC, Adoption & ME, a delightful children's book.  Please read this article and share it with anyone you think it may help. 

Also:

Click the links at the bottom of my post today to read the first five chapters of The Eye of Adoption.

Click the link at the bottom of my post to see fantastic adoption-themed books that are on sale for 99 cents throughout the month of November!

Enjoy, and happy Friday!

Love,
Bug

I wrote this article for the wonderful organization Adoptimist.com, a company committed to help men and women realize the dream of becoming parents!


Open Adoption: What it is not. What it is.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014 @ 06:10 PM
In this week’s blog, GIFT is pleased to feature a guest blogger.  Jody Cantrell Dyer, author  of Eye of AdoptionParents, Stop and Think and Field DayJody is a mom by both birth and open adoption, and a teacher; she blogs at Theories Size 12. Jody writes with honesty, wit, and wisdom and is a vibrant voice for adoption. We asked Jody to write about her open adoption experience. Enjoy her insights.

Open Adoption: What it is not. What it is.
Jody Cantrell Dyer, author of The Eye of Adoption

Eye of adoptionAs fascinating and difficult as six exhausting years of infertility treatments and two years of the arduous domestic adoption process were for me, almost all the inquisitive remarks I receive from other people these days surround one topic: my family’s open adoption with my son Scotty’s birth parents, Bryant and Kerri.
Only two days ago, a colleague asked me, “What exactly does ‘open adoption’ mean?”
I gave my usual response, saying, “Open adoption simply means that there is direct contact between a child’s birth family and adoptive family. The level of contact in each situation is as unique as the people involved.”
 I consider it a privilege to enlighten others and create kinship within and around the adoption community. Because each adoption is different, and I am an adoptive mother (not a lawyer or social worker) I only feel qualified to write about my family’s open adoption. After my inquisitive colleague’s question, I reflected on the most common misconceptions people have. Almost always, they mention what open adoption is NOT, perhaps out of ignorance, perhaps out of fear, perhaps out of worry on my behalf. Almost always, I end up improving their understanding.
Open adoption is not co-parenting. Scotty’s birth certificate reads “Jeff and Jody Dyer” as his legal parents from birth. We have an older, biological son, Houston (12). Our “rights” with both boys are identical. Kerry and Bryant make no decisions regarding Scotty. They do share, however, in the joys of watching him learn and develop.
Open adoption relationships are not legally binding. My and Jeff’s obligation to Kerri and Bryant is one of a moral promise, not a legal contract. Honestly, I do feel obligated to them. Why wouldn’t I? They made us parents again and made Houston a brother. Jeff and I genuinely respect and care for Kerri and Bryant and are honored to keep in touch with them. We consider them friends.
Open adoption relationships are not confusing. In fact, the situation is clear. We met Scotty’s birth parents about four months before he was born. In that time, we got to know each other and built a relationship of trust. We refer to Kerri as Scotty’s birth mother and Bryant as Scotty’s birth father. He calls them by their first names. Scotty is only four years old, so his understanding is basic and sweet.
A few months ago, I said to him (as I often do), “Houston grew in Mama’s tummy, right?”
Scotty said, “Right!”
I asked, “Where did you grow?”
He happily shouted, “In Kerri’s tummy!”
Then, unprovoked, he added, “Kerri loves me!”
Open adoption is not always simple for adults to understand, but Scotty seems to comprehend quite well. He knows he’s loved by his birth family and his adoptive family.
CLICK HERE to see the wonderful books on sale throughout November. (Once there, click on book cover images to visit the authors' Kindle pages).



Do you see the baby in the clouds? An ethereal ultrasound?


Thursday, October 30, 2014

Share with someone you know who is affected by infertility, adoption, or crisis pregnancy!

Readers, November is National Adoption Awareness Month. In honor of this special recognition and all the families affected by infertility, adoption, and crisis pregnancy, I will post a relevant article in my blog each week.

Today, I share "Don't Hate the Wait." The Wait for a child can be grueling for hopeful parents. Do not underestimate the weight of the wait! Please read this article and share it with anyone you think it may help. 

Also:

Click the links at the bottom of my post today to read the first five chapters of The Eye of Adoption.

Click the link at the bottom of my post to see fantastic adoption-themed books that are on sale for 99 cents throughout the month of November!

Enjoy, and happy Friday!

Love,
Bug

I wrote this article for the wonderful organization Adoptimist.com, a company committed to help men and women realize the dream of becoming parents!


May 11, 2013

Don’t Hate the Wait. Learn From It.


Adoptimist.com families, I congratulate you for having the heart to begin the adoption journey. One of my friends acknowledged, “Everything about adoption is hard, except loving the child.” I agree, and I think you are in the hardest part of the whole experience: the mysterious, incalculable WAIT. But, The Wait will strengthen you. The Wait will educate you. The Wait will make you better parents.
I hate to wait. If a restaurant hostess hands me a buzzer, I beg my family to eat in the bar. In the springtime, I purchase and plant all my annuals on the same day to rush the bloom of color in my yard. My computer often locks up because I open too many windows and the applications can’t match the speed of my commands.
My husband, Jeff, and I had our first child, Houston, in January 2002. That same year, we began trying to conceive a second child, and, for the next six years, endured costly, embarrassing infertility treatments with no success. From 2002 to 2008, life routinely schooled me on grief, prayer, tolerating thoughtless comments, and overcoming intense emotional pain. Then we began the domestic adoption process. You can imagine that the adoption route was a significant challenge for an impatient person like me, already weary and tired of waiting for a baby.
The next two years proved to be the greatest education of my life, and I would like to share a few of the lessons I learned.
Lesson #1: Ask for help. You need it, you deserve it, and people are happy help you. Who doesn’t want to be part of a sweet adoption story? The prayer committee at my church, our friends, our doctors, the copy shop down the street, and even our veterinarian played a part in bringing our son home, once I asked.
Lesson #2: Trust other people. My husband is a procrastinator, but he eventually did everything I asked of him, and did it beautifully. Family members, social workers, clergy, and physicians have the same goal you do: a healthy child in a healthy home, but not necessarily on your schedule. Give them time.
Lesson #3: When we become frustrated as we wait in lines, we are likely focused on ourselves. We think, “Hurry up! Now I’ll have to lug my groceries through the rain, or “Great, now I am going to be late for work.” Instead of obsessing over your goal (which is totally worth obsessing over), concentrate on serving other people, especially the birth family. After you meet your child’s birthparents, your mind may still wander in worry that they will change their minds. That is normal. But, instead of panicking for you, pray for them.
The Wait allows hopeful parents time to become just that — parents. When you welcome your baby, you will need help. Ask for it. When you have to work, get the flu, or just need a break, you will have to depend on other people. Trust them. Take time now to master the most important parenting skill of all — putting someone else’s needs ahead of your own. Focus on the birth family.
In May 2010, on Jeff’s birthday, we welcomed our second child, Scotty. I thank God, social workers, selfless birthparents, and The Wait, for preparing me, not only to have a baby, but also to be my baby’s mother.
In order to encourage, enlighten, and even entertain adoptive families, I narrate my family’s adoption journey in my book, The Eye of Adoption: the true story of my turbulent wait for a baby. I hope that, by reading my post and perhaps my book, the lessons I learned will help you as you endure The Wait.

CLICK HERE to see the wonderful books on sale throughout November. (Once there, click on book cover images to visit the authors' Kindle pages).
Need more help? Email me at jdyer415@yahoo.com. I love encouraging waiting parents.